This is the question I asked myself as I laid in my bed last night, staring at the ceiling, fighting back tears from the day’s events.
What are you doing with your life, Bianca? Why does it seem like everyone else my age is already doing some really extraordinary things?
So if you don’t know exactly what it is you’re supposed to be doing, just start doing some things. One of the best ways to find out what you’re supposed to do, is to do a few things and you’ll find out what fits and what doesn’t.
At that moment, I had to stop myself right there. I started comparing myself to everyone else again. Never, ever compare yourself to someone else. Their journey IS NOT your journey, so there’s no way a valid comparison could ever be made.
…how many times do we tell ourselves this, yet, it continues to happen?
You know what though, that’s okay. It’ll continue to happen for a little bit, and will eventually cease, if we identify it when it’s happening and stop comparing ourselves right away. It’ll also continue to happen for a little bit, because we are human and that’s just a tendency of ours.
So don’t sweat it. As long as we are trying our best, that’s all that matters. That’s all we can do.
Yesterday could’ve been a scene out of a movie. It was pouring down rain, and cold outside. I was looking pretty goodt (if I do say so myself). Hair popping, makeup POPPING, outfit POPPING. Yet, for the reason mentioned above, and other reasons that shall not be mentioned, at the end of the work day…I found myself walking out into the rain, letting it drench me from head to toe. I was in no rush to get inside my car, drive home, and get snuggled up in my bed. This was a completely different type of sad and “what the heck am I doing with my life” feeling I’ve ever experienced. I cried twice at work yesterday, one of those times happening embarrassingly in front of my boss.
She told me the same thing I said above: “It’s okay.”
Once I got home, I dried myself off, got cleaned up and crawled into bed. I turned on my Xbox hoping to distract myself from my sadness, yet it just kept knocking on the door. Instead of trying to suppress it, because honestly, suppressing it hurt worse, I let it in and cried again. While I was crying, I started to message one of my dear friends. I told her virtually the same thing you just read, still keeping other details out, since they were personal. I told her I didn’t know what I was doing with my life, and she told me the same thing I said above: “It’s okay.”
We talked a little more, while I managed to finish eating my dinner. At some point I dozed off.
This morning I was talking to God, and basically telling Him too, that I didn’t know what I was doing, and that I would earnestly try to stop comparing myself to others, and caring what others would say about my work. I told Him it was preventing me from really sharing the gifts He blessed me with, with others. I could be helping others.
It doesn’t matter what anyone else says, because no matter what I do, whatever I create, I know God will LOVE it. I also have to love it for myself too.
In closing…after I prayed, got ready for work and actually got to work, I opened up Instagram. Wouldn’t you know it, the first thing to appear on my feed was a video of Joyce Meyer, a video the First Lady at my church shared, saying this:
“I mean, I would have never thought this is what I would’ve been doing. I was a bookkeeper, I was a waitress. I was a credit manager, I was an office manager. I was a lot of things that seem to have nothing to do with being a preacher. But when the time came and God called me, I still had a long way to go, but all of those things I had done, I got experience in some way, shape or form that I’m able to use now. So if you don’t know exactly what it is you’re supposed to be doing, just start doing some things. One of the best ways to find out what you’re supposed to do, is to do a few things and you’ll find out what fits and what doesn’t. Like I tried working at the nursery at my church and it took about two weekends, and me and the kids both knew I was not a nursery worker.”
This was God responding to my prayer and saying that “It’s okay.💖 ” too.
Happy Holidays 🎄