Here lately it seems as though a week can’t go by and something not catch on fire or just completely fall apart.
It’s been incredibly difficult to stay optimistic and not let anger, fear, sadness and loneliness overwhelm me. Most times I find myself sitting on my bed, in complete silence, just letting tears roll down my face. I let them roll until the pain I feel inside surfaces as painful sobs and I’m laying on my side, fetal position, allowing my comforter to become soaked with tears.
I question myself all the time, why am I crying, why am I like this so often? I literally have no reason to be.
Yes, I’m getting some help for all of you wondering if I’m trying to do anything about this to help myself.
For whatever reason though, I find myself in that situation far more than I would like. It’s exhausting and it’s wearing down on me mentally, spiritually and physically. I just want things to be somewhat normal again. It’s been nothing but a vicious roller coaster for a few months now.
I want to be how I used to be, but 10 times better than that.
Also, believe me. This isn’t a pity post. Far from it. I do not want anyone to pity me, nor am I pitying myself. I’m not because I’m the one who allowed myself to get like this. It’s no one else’s fault. I’ve been trying to do things on my own and without God’s help, and this is the result of my actions. I got too big in the head and that’s when everything started spiraling out of control. But God got my attention two nights ago:
I was cooking dinner and everything was just going wrong. I was getting frustrated because it was so difficult and I didn’t know what I was doing. I don’t cook. It was taking longer than it should’ve taken and I almost burned the food. Nothing was going the way I imagined or the way I planned and at a point, I threw the knife I was holding down into the sink and yelled “I give up! I can’t do this!”
My mother heard this outburst and immediately told me, “Oh no, you can’t give up. No ma’am, you’ve got things to do. Cooking takes time, and if you don’t do it often you have to learn. If you need help, you have to ask for it.” She then proceeded to look up a video on how to correctly chop things, and showed me. Things went much smoother after that.
While I did end up burning the food a little bit on the top…everything else underneath was perfectly fine and tasted wonderful (according to my dad).
It’s funny because, even in the middle of typing this up, God is speaking to me again after recollecting that stressful night in the kitchen! (After reading that short blurb, I wonder if you can see where I’m coming from).
Once I finished up dinner, I prepared a bowl of pasta and proceeded to head to my room to watch something on Hulu. To my surprise and dismay, my Xbox would not connect to the WiFi, no matter what I did to try to fix it. My phone was also completely silent, even though I was hoping to hear from someone. So, before I let my anger consume me, I took a deep breath, leaned back on my pillow, finished eating my food and said “Alright God, you have my attention. Let’s talk.”
Before I knew it, I was in tears, asking God to forgive me for neglecting Him and not spending time with Him as much I should be. I asked Him to forgive me for focusing all my attention on someone else, and neglecting myself in the process, not taking care of my temple and not utilizing the gifts that He’s blessed me with that would without a doubt bring glory to His name. I asked for forgiveness for a lot of things. I cried and cried until I was sitting cross legged with my face down on my comforter, wet from my tears, and I had fallen asleep.
The next morning, as I was getting dressed, I looked in the mirror and I realized that I am able to see the upper part of my ribs again. Seeing this made me have some not-so-happy flashbacks (if you’ve visited the tab on my site that says “Crohnie” then you know what I’m talking about).
The point is, I’ve been focusing on the wrong things. Not spending time with God like I used to. Just thinking back, my life was much more full of joy and I was honestly and truly HAPPY. There were hard times but they were few and far between! When I stopped spending that time with God, stopping to listen to Him and talk to Him about things, things went awry. This is not to say that I’ve not been getting blessed, because I have. Without a doubt. But since I’ve stopped doing that as much, it’s as if I’ve been fighting this never ending uphill battle completely ALONE. I’m tired, I’m burnt out. I don’t want to fight alone anymore.
So, I’m working on it. Working on my relationship with God again and I’m going to keep working on it because:
I have to get stronger.
I have to get wiser.
I have to be more patient.
I have to let go of anger.
I have to let go of fear.
I have to trust God.
One of my sisters posted something online that I read the other day, and she stated:
“We must be willing to get rid of the life we’ve planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us.”
Are you ready to let go and let God?